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Out with the old, in with the new (anxiety)

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Mar. 14th, 2013 | 09:46 pm
mood: happyhappy

I guess I should elaborate on that last entry, eh?

I got a new job! A job I actually like! that challenges me! That has prospects! For a big company with a global presence!

I've been a junior visualised for just under a month now. I spent all last year leanring to visualise and hey presto, now I'm a visualiser!

Also, I now live in a little house with my old uni friend Dawn. but I'm not sure if I've mentioned that before. But it means I also no longer live with my parents.

Happily ever after… Wrong!!!

Getting this new job has meant I've swapped my previous insecurities for a whole bunch of grubby new ones. The job is great the offices are lovely and everyone there is super cool and, erm, reasonably nice. I just can't help shake off the feeling I shouldn't be there… I'm not up to speed either really, The job is a little beyond me. I mean, I love it and all, but I'm just not good enough. I make a lot of mistakes and work too slowly. I still have to think a lot and put real about everything I do. It's tiring me out.

I was chatting with the other grads there (not that I'm a grad, I'm a junior, although what that has to do with anything I don't know…) and I was told they're quite ruthless and quick to drop the chaff. Which is worrying. I have a three month probationary period in which I can be sacked within the week. Part of me reckons they'll give me another two months before deciding… as this is when the probationary period is up.

I know even if they do drop me, I'll still have spent three months doing 3ds max everyday, and I've learnt Vray and other workflow type stuff as well. It's just, once you've seen the promised land, everything else is going to be, kind of shite…

I know I sound like a right whiny little bitch, it's just, I've not had something like this before, and I'm terrified of losing it. I'm working hard and doing everything I'm asked and staying late and trying to be a good guy at work… it's just hard. Maybe I need to learn to be happy with myself and not require constant reassurance.

I guess all I can do is my best.  God I sound like such a dick. I wish I was more confident. But then doesn't everyone?

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